Now playing: Holiday Catalogs Hysteria! It’s always fun to see what the gift geniuses employed by the mail order catalogs have come up with this year for gullible shoppers to buy for their favorite perverted relatives and friends. I found two catalogs loaded with astonishingly stupid Christmas presents, Signals (S) and Hammacher Schlemmer (HS):
–Dinosaur Waffle Maker (S). Teach your kinds paleontology at the breakfast table for just $39.95! (I think a better seller for adults would be a Sex Toys Waffle Maker.)
—Inflatables. I admit that it’s had to top a Life Size Animated Grinch (HS) for $249.95 that looks great in your wreck room, but nearly everyone on our block is erecting a 15-foot Inflatable Rudolph with Blinking Nose (HS) in their front yard, bargain-priced at a mere $299.95. It’s a great target for kids getting BB or Pellet Guns for Christmas!
Black and White Tee-Shirts. The catalogs offer dozens of the colorful creations with mundane sayings on them. My favorite one, perfect for wearing at holiday balls, is LAWN & ORDER: Special Mowing Unit (S) for $19.95.
Must-Have Miracle Health Product. You’ll never blow your nose again if you have The Drug-Free Mucus Clearing Device (HS) utilizing Oscillating Positive Expiratory Pressure therapy for the reduced price of only $69.95.
Artificial Christmas Trees. I’m tempted by The Disney Christmas Carousel Tree (HS) with “50 beloved Disney characters celebrating the holidays with movement and music” for a bargain $199.95, but I’m going for The World’s Best Prelit Douglas Fir (HS) that combines “injection-molded branch tips” with “fine, soft green needles of a freshly cut Douglas Fir.” I think the best one is 7.3 feet tall with 2,000 LED lights for a low, low $2,1oo. It should be a snap to set up because it only weighs 210 pounds!